Who Will You Become Post-Separation?

Who Will You Become Post-Separation: Life After Divorce

“She is suddenly curious about what she has not yet become”, writes Alison Espach of Phoebe, the main character in her book “The Wedding People”. Phoebe has separated from her husband and, without my giving too much away, the book is a page-turner following Phoebe’s thoughts and actions as she figures out her identity post-separation.

In my experience it can be hard for people in the midst of separating to think about their identity and what they may “yet become”. However during my time in working with clients who are divorcing, I have seen that as time goes on and they work through the divorce, they can build new aspects of their identity – and indeed may need to in order to cope with their relationship ending. Ending a relationship and moving on from it can be an incredibly developmental period of people’s lives. It can cause someone to reflect on themselves and make changes about the way they live and how they act in relationships and it can also necessitate practical changes that define the way they live. It may require people to dig into emotional resources they did not know they had and change their relationships with people around them.

This topic came up recently for me as I was asked to contribute to an article in the Guardian which looked at some of the big changes that people made following a divorce – such as getting an unexpected pet or changing their look dramatically. In the emotional turmoil of divorce it perhaps isn’t a surprise that people shake things up. This might be an attempt to cope with the pain, or it might be a way of marking out a new way of being, or reclaiming something of yourself.

If you have seen the film Crazy Stupid Love you will remember the scene where Cal who is separating from his wife is helped by Jacob to go shopping and get a new look. It is a brilliant scene in itself but it also stands for the beginning of Cal re-finding himself and rebuilding his identity post-separation. Indeed, I spoke to Bella Hignett, a personal stylist of Bella Hignett Styling, who told me that divorce is a really common moment that people seek advice from her on how they dress. She said “More often than not my clients who are going through a divorce feel almost reborn at the end of it and are working out how they want to live their ‘new life’”. She said that after a divorce, changing the way you look can be an “opportunity to embrace who you want to be”.

This is a theme that comes up often – that there is a kind of reclaiming of identity, and a kind of embracing something individual rather than joint. It reminded me of Bee Wilson, who wrote about her divorce in her recent book “The Heart Shaped Tin”. A friend bought her a bunch of flowers, knowing that when Bee Wilson had been married she couldn’t have flowers in the house because of her husband’s hay fever. This gift inspired her to start gardening, and develop a whole new passion in her life. Indeed, when people start dating after divorce, whilst it may feel very daunting, it can be an opportunity to explore new aspects of themselves.

Often in couples the way they do things falls into a groove. Perhaps there are things the couple don’t do, for whatever reason, or they fall into set domains between them. One of them becomes the person who drives on long journeys, one of them is the one who always plans the meals. When a couple separate these previously shared out roles pose a challenge, because there is no longer the possibility to divide them in the same way. I often think of this like muscles that haven’t been used in a while, that are going to take time to build up. It often seems very rewarding to people as well difficult, to take on things that previously their partner would have done in the relationship. This can be a way in which identity can shift after a break-up.

Indeed, I often hear that when people are able to take up a new activity or do something that they haven’t done before that this supports them as they go through the process of separation and divorce. It may sound a bit simplistic to “take up a new hobby”, but let’s try and think about what could be helpful here. It may be a way of meeting new people, who didn’t know you in the relationship you were in before, and enable you to be an up-to-date version of yourself. It also I think helps people build up confidence in themselves. Divorce and separation can leave people feeling very incompetent or rejected, as well as preoccupied, and being able to do something that is disconnected from all of that can be supportive.

One identity shift that has to happen in a lot of relationships is when parents who were together in a romantic relationship need to move into a different way of being with each other. There can be a need to mourn the identity that they had as parents in a romantic relationship with each other, and to let go of that over time, in order to find a new way of relating to each other and describing their relationship to their children.

Everyone’s divorce or separation process is uniquely personal to them, and how they emerge from this intense time of life is very personal. Paradoxically, we can’t move forward without paying some attention to how we got to this point. The hopes and dreams of the relationship that has ended need to be mourned. In my experience, when space and understanding can be given to how the relationship has ended, and when perhaps there is the possibility to reflect on this together or even individually, then it seems an investment in being able to move forward and develop new aspects of ones-self rather than remaining stuck with the difficult feelings divorce can bring up. Therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet’s advice on dating after divorce in a recent piece for the Times includes this advice : “owning your mistakes, and accepting that your ex wasn’t a monster and you a saint, is essential, or you’ll simply barge into your next relationship self-righteous and unchanged, and make identical errors.” It may take subtle, careful work and understanding to reflect on and perhaps make sense of what has happened in the relationship that has broken down but doing so can be an investment for the future. Matthew Fray in his book “This is How Your Marriage Ends” writes “This is how your marriage ends. But, if you’re willing to breathe enough times, if you’re willing to examine alternatives for how to live, it’s also how your life begins.”

Hope for a new way of being can be something to hold onto at the same time as mourning. As with the character Phoebe, “what she has not yet become” can be frightening and unknown, but it also offers a sense of possibility.

Book recommendations:

Article in the Guardian: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/aug/03/drastic-divorce-decisions-training-huskies-plastic-surgery

The Wedding People by Alison Espach, Phoenix Books – a gripping novel about a woman who has divorced and is contemplating her next stage

The Heart-Shaped Tin by Bee Wilson, Fourth Estate – a moving account of people’s attachment and relationship to objects during which she writes about her own divorce.

Times Article How to Date After Divorce http://thetimes.com/life-style/sex-relationships/article/how-to-date-after-divorce-therapist-guide-p33vs8253

This is How your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray, Souvenir Press – his very readable account of what happened in his marriage where he owns and examines his part in it