Supporting Older Children Through Divorce

Supporting Older Children Through Divorce

When parents separate, it is easy to underestimate the impact it can have on older children. In this blog FLiP Director James Pirrie explores how you can support older children with care and respect as they navigate this difficult transition.

If you separate when your children are little, they are often centre stage because of the new arrangements for their home and care that you need to provide for them as your one home becomes two. When children are older and starting to live their own lives away from home or at university, they will often be left outside the seismic changes that are happening in the family or can feel responsible for a whole range of roles such as confidante, messenger or supporter – what is to be done for the best?

What Young People Want You to Know

The Family Justice Young Peoples’ Board is a forum for children and young people who want to help improve things for further generations of children by sharing their own insights and experiences. They have shared some compelling tips for parents who are separating.  A flavour can be given from the following extract:

1. Remember I have the right to see both of my parents as long as it is safe for me.
2. I can have a relationship with the partner of my other parent without this changing my love for you.
3. Try to have good communication with my other parent because it will help me. Speak to them nicely.
4. Don’t say bad things about my other parent, especially if I can hear. Remember I can often overhear your conversations or see your social media comments.
5. It’s ok with me if my parents don’t do things exactly the same. You are both different and that’s alright with me.

You can find more tips on the Family Justice Young Peoples’ Board top tips page.

The Silent Struggles of Older Children

At Family Law in Partnership, what we will often see is:

• Older children being faced with a bewildering challenge to their identity when their parents split up. They may have assumed that they were part of a ‘rock-solid’ intact family, but now they are thrust into a place where they need to reappraise themselves, re-think their future – and perhaps their past too: “At what point did my parents’ partnership actually end?”
• Some will watch or even be involved as their parents, fearful of their own future security, vie for shares in the family assets. They may wonder “What about me?”
• They may well experience a feeling of statelessness as the family home is sold and may receive less parental support as their parents struggle to map out their own independent futures.

The Legal Landscape for Older Children

The court will only be involved once a child is sixteen in “exceptional” circumstances.

As far as financial arrangements are concerned:

• Children are the court’s first consideration but only whilst they are minors.
• The Child Maintenance Service (CMS) drops children broadly once they complete their A-levels.
• In cases where the parents were never married, the child’s home with the applicant-parent may be sold at the same time as any financial support comes to an end.
• In practice, financial support will extend no longer than the conclusion of the child’s first degree, unless the child’s additional needs are such as to create long-term financial dependency. Regular guidance from the courts is that it is not for the judge dealing with financial issues between parents to give their child a start in life as a young adult.
• There is no legal obligation to support children after university, during the “boomerang years” or to give them a start towards independence.

Parental Roles: Supporter, Not Confidante

Parents often want to discuss the situation with older children.  Those initiating the separation may seek their child’s thoughts on  whether they should proceed. For others, it is a question of support, following the often-unconscious thought process “My children know the situation  better than anyone … if they see things my way it will be a vindication that I cannot get anywhere else.”

Talking to young people and reading through the experiences of older children of divorce that are increasingly available on the internet, it is clear how children can struggle when they become too involved in their parents’ relationship.  They have enough on their plate dealing with the changes in their family, as well as their own lives. Where they are brought in as a confidante, judge or sounding board by a parent, there is a significant additional challenge.

Ground Rules for Healthier Family Transitions

Whilst all families are different, some ground-rules set out early on seem to promote better outcomes:

• Reassure your children of your consistent and life-long love and support.
• Release them from the burden of taking sides and keeping secrets. Give them your permission and approval (save where their safety could be compromised) to maintain a relationship with your ex-partner.
• Reassure your children of your intention to reach a good solution with your ex and make it clear that you don’t depend on your child’s support to do so.
• Warn them that the process of divorce and separation isn’t easy and that you are going to be a little cranky from time to time.
• Find a form of words to explain the family breakdown that your children can use as well as you. Ideally adopt it jointly with your ex. Try to avoid attributing blame or asserting fault – it may be what you feel but it is almost never helpful to share this with your children. You risk polarising the family and reducing the framework of family and friends that otherwise your children could rely upon.

Giving Children a Voice

Increasingly, parents are recognising that giving children a supportive forum to air their thoughts is of enormous value to them. It is worth checking out different age-appropriate methods of child-inclusion, such as child-inclusive mediation or family therapy. In this video, Head of Mediation Dominic Raeside explains how beneficial it can be.

Finding the Right Support

None of these are legal solutions that the court will provide and so above all, what older children need is to have parents who are able to maintain perspective without infringing on the parent child relationship.   In my experience, this is easier when parents are able to prioritise their mental wellbeing by engaging with appropriate counselling and therapeutic support, for example.

There is also support available through organisations such as Restored Lives, a charity dedicated to creating resources to support anyone going through the breakup of a marriage or civil partnership or separation from a partner. They offer support for parents and for children, including a free workshop series for teenagers and young people called Your Direction. You can read more about Restored Lives in this Q&A style blog with senior associate Grace Lawrence who supports guests of the Restored Lives project on a pro bono basis.

Older children may seem independent and able to relate to adult concepts, but they may still find it hard to cope with the emotional and practical impact of their parents separating. It is always different when it is your own parents. With that in mind, I urge parents not to leave them to make sense of family changes without appropriate support and to avoid drawing children into “adult roles” (even if they are young adults).