How Parents Cope Correlates with How Children Cope

How Parents Cope with Separation and Divorce Correlates with How Children Cope

As with any life transition, the end of a relationship is a time of emotional turbulence. Few people cope well with prolonged feelings of vulnerability, insecurity and uncertainty about what lies ahead. Also in the mix are a range of emotions associated with loss including anger and sadness, akin to a bereavement.

With such a potent blend of emotions, when you divorce or separate it is easy to become caught up, or even lose yourself, in trying to anticipate what “the other side” is up to. Stereotypically (if you are not mindful of preventing this) things can escalate quickly and an already painful situation can rapidly develop into a fight. If that just involves two adults it is a bleak prospect. If you have children and they are observing this, it is another matter entirely.

How Children Feel

Children are likely to be affected by parental dynamics and emotions, and this can be positive or negative.  I’m confident in saying that they do not want to be caught in the middle of fierce conflict.  They do not have the life experience or perspective to fully comprehend what is going on and certainly not a big enough cup to put all the emotions in.

I urge all parents to watch the #whataboutme? video produced by The Family Solutions Group, which illustrates how children feel, in the words of children:  Link to video on YouTube.

What can Parents do?

At Flip we see time and again that when parents are able to communicate effectively with one another life is easier for everyone, especially children. This is perhaps not easy when trust is lacking and you are feeling overwhelming emotions; but there are things you can do that will help you to take a step back and de-escalate.

Although they may not be able to articulate it in the moment, I have no doubt that your children will be grateful in the long run.  This is because not only do children usually cope better when they see their parents are coping better, generally, we make better decisions when we are calm.  If you are making decisions about your children’s lives and welfare when emotions are high, there may well be longer term consequences that you have not considered.

I truly believe that prioritising your own mental well-being is one of the best things you can do to protect your children’s mental health.  It is key to building resilience, maintaining perspective and making more balanced decisions.  Not only does this mean your children will enjoy a better version of you, it is also likely to smooth the process and enable better decision making and parenting.

Achieving Amicable Outcomes

In my role at FLiP, I use my therapeutic background to support many parents who are transitioning from life as a couple to a co-parenting relationship.  I help to facilitate communication, help them to process emotions and address non legal concerns.

I find that often couples find it difficult to address the legal and financial issues associated with divorce because they reach an emotional impasse or become embroiled in unhelpful patterns of behaviour.  I work with them to overcome this and find that generally, once things are on a more even keel emotionally, issues around finances and arrangements for the children are more readily resolved. Not only does this save time (and money) it is far less abrasive on the family.

There may be no such thing as an amicable divorce but there definitely can be amicable outcomes. How you behave through the process will leave a lasting impression on all concerned and your kids will take their lead from you. I recognise that may seem like a lot of personal responsibility, that is why help is on hand at FLiP.

Please do contact us to find out more about how we can support you and your family.