How to Tell Children you are Separating

How to Tell Children You are Separating or Divorcing

There are many potentially difficult conversations when a couple decides to separate, but there is one that we are often asked for advice with and that is the question of how to tell the children we are separating. Our in-house therapist, Joanna Harrison, gives her thoughts in relation to this question.

I think it is so helpful when parents ask this question because it shows that they are really thinking about the impact of the separation on their children, but one thing I always say as a starting point is – remember that you as parents probably know best.

I think parents can often feel so overwhelmed by separation that they forget they know their children better than anyone and that actually, if they can think and work together on how to tell the children, they might be able to answer this question better than any professional, for example attuning the conversation to their child’s age and personality.

Planning the First Conversation

I think that the first thing parents can do helpfully is to plan the conversation beforehand, ideally together, rather than it be something that comes out spontaneously in the moment. By planning it, inevitably you will be doing some helpful thinking about how best to support this conversation to go well.

There are some key themes I think about with parents when they are trying to plan this conversation, which I outline below.

1. Timing and Setting

Think about when and where is going to be most supportive for the child and what is going to happen afterwards. For example, if a child is going to be upset, you might think that just before bed isn’t such a good time, even if the evening is the time you are both going to be around.

There is also a question of timing in terms of whether the news is going to disrupt something else going on in their lives, for example exams.

Also bear in mind that a lot of children are aware earlier than their parents realise that things are breaking down and in some cases it can be a relief to have the situation out in the open.

2. Child’s Age

Think about making what you tell them age appropriate. This might mean separate conversations for siblings and then a joint conversation together.

3. Listen As Well As Tell

Often parents are preoccupied with what they are going to say, but a crucial aspect is listening to the child’s response and giving them room to express their feelings about the separation.

This can be uncomfortable for parents, especially if it touches on your own feelings about the separation, but it will help your child process things if you give them space to do so. For example, instead of “don’t cry, you don’t need to be sad”, you can say “I can see you’re sad and upset and that is understandable. We are here for you.”

4. Don’t Make this a Place to Score Points or Argue About who is at Fault

You may not have the story clear between you about why the marriage has broken down and there may be some real tensions about that, but children don’t need to know the ins and outs of their parents’ relationship at this point.

Rather than – “this is happening because Mum/Dad is leaving and I don’t want it to happen…” it will be more supportive to children if you can say something like “We have decided not to be married anymore but we still both love you so much and that isn’t going to change”.

There will be time in the future, perhaps when the children are older, for them to understand the different dynamics of the relationship, perhaps once you yourselves are clearer, but at this moment that does not need to be the headline.

It will be more helpful if the conversation is focused on your child and the things that will concern them about the separation. If you are really struggling with this, you might benefit from a third party to help you plan the conversation and to take the heat out of the story between you.  Remember also that if you have an agreed joint message, it is always going to help children who are asked by friends/school what is going on at home.

5. You Don’t Have to Have all the Answers

Children are curious and it can be hard to feel you don’t know the answer to something, especially if they are seeming worried by not having the answer. Instead of reassuring them with something false, you can say – “at the moment I don’t know the answer to that, but I do know that we are both thinking about you and going to carry on loving you and making sure you are okay”.

6. Remember this is Not a One Off Conversation

Parental separation can be a lot for a child to process, at any age, and they are likely to keep thinking about it and have more questions. It can be painful for parents, but try to give your child the space to talk when they feel they need to.  I work with adults who are still understanding the reasons their parents divorced, and still talking to their parents about it. A bit like sex education, it is something that can develop as a conversation as child gets older and is more able to cope with different aspects.

Setting the Tone to Support the Child

I think this conversation, so early on, when people are so understandably full of anxiety about what lies ahead is a very difficult one, because you yourself are likely to be processing the end of the relationship and perhaps not feeling much like having to be the grown up. So, in some ways you might be having to run before you can walk here, unless you have done a lot of mutual mourning beforehand about the end of the relationship. This is why we often say it is helpful for parents to get their own support, because that then enables them to support their children. (You might also like to read How Parents Cope with Separation and Divorce Correlates with How Children Cope.)

If you and your former partner can work together to make this conversation and those that follow as positive an experience as possible, it sets a good tone for the road ahead. Your children will remember more than anything the feel of things between you, rather than perhaps the words. Remember that there are not any magic words that can take away the loss and pain of a separation, but the way you handle your separation, by not letting your own personal or hostile feelings around your ex flood the space, is what will support your children to move forward.

If you do have those feelings, it is better if you can make some proper space for them (with professional help if needed). This will allow you to support your children better and this is what will help you and them to move forward. That is far more important, in my view, than getting a perfect script for how to tell them and that is the sense I have from my adult clients who talk to me about their parents’ divorce.

Protecting Children’s Long Term Mental Health

Like any conversation, if it doesn’t go well the first time you tell them, there is always another opportunity to go back again and try a different way of speaking about it.  There will be bumps, you may go one step forward and then one back, but if you can have a mindset of keeping on trying to do what is best for the children by co-operating with each other then this will support them and be better for their long term mental health.

Please do contact us to find out how we can support you and your family.