When Children are Exposed to Domestic Abuse

Protecting children’s mental health when there is a domestic abuse or high conflict situation

When parents are in a domestic abuse or high conflict situation, it is crucial to think about the safeguarding of children, making sure to consider the impact on their mental health in both the short and long term.

We asked our in-house therapist Joanna Harrison and Director Helen Greenfield, who specialises in helping people affected by domestic abuse, for their thoughts on how to protect children’s mental health when there is domestic abuse or high conflict in their parents’ relationship.

They share five core themes for protecting children’s mental health in this kind of atmosphere:

1. Safety planning

We know that frequent, hostile and intense conflict has negative outcomes for children’s mental health and in this kind of situation we will think and work with our clients to carefully plan ways to minimise the impact of parental conflict. This might for example mean ending the relationship and moving into different accommodation, but in these kinds of situations we will act very carefully to support the safety of all involved and to make plans that are carefully thought through.

Where possible and safe we encourage parents to seek support for themselves and for their relationship, so that they can improve the way they communicate with each other and relieve the children of the hostile atmosphere between them.

2. Noticing changes to behaviour

If a child has a change of behaviour then this might be a sign that a child needs extra support or is struggling with their mental health.  Signs could include becoming introverted, short-tempered, increased anxiety, changes of sleeping habits, increased online activity, self-harming.

The NSPCC reports that “Children who experience domestic abuse might feel constantly stressed or on alert. They might be afraid of what’s happening at home. This might all feel ‘normal’ to them if they have lived with domestic abuse for a long time.”

It is important to be alive to any changes in behaviour as each child will process and react to situations differently and may find in difficult to open up on their own.

3. Making sure children have a space to talk  

It is so important that children feel that they have people they can safely talk to about their situation, who may include but may not be their parents. This might be for example a trusted member of their community or family, a teacher or counsellor at their school, other young people around them, or a support resource such as Childline, Barnardos or the NSPCC.

It is important that children know that these resources are available to them and talking to the school about a child’s situation can be really helpful in making sure this access is available to them. Where a child has special educational needs, and where it may be harder for them to talk about what is going on for them, some thought might be given to other ways that they could express themselves e.g. through play or creative activity.

4. Supporting the adults 

A recurrent theme in our work with separating couples is that if the mental health of the adults involved can be supported, this will support their children. When there is a difficult situation involving domestic abuse or high conflict then this is particularly important, though some people will be scared to get help and may be at risk if they seek out help.

Adults who are struggling may discreetly seek support from their GP, from family and friends, or from a professional such as a therapist or through resources provided by organisations such as the National Domestic Abuse helpline, Refuge and Women’s Aid.  People experiencing domestic abuse are also able to “Ask for Ani” at pharmacies nationwide as part of a codeword scheme to indicate they need help.

For more in-depth information on what to do if you find yourself at risk, we have resources for people who are experiencing Abuse in Relationships (note, there is also a ‘quick exit’ option at the top right of our website which will immediately direct you to Google).

5. Supporting children to be children 

Living with domestic abuse and high conflict makes it hard for children to switch off as they are likely to be constantly afraid or stressed. We support families to try and shift into a different kind of atmosphere and we also encourage parents to try to support children to have time away from the atmosphere at home and do things that let them feel like children. This might include joining a local activity or sports group, allowing children to have time with friends and making sure they get access to play spaces.

Giving children opportunities to get involved with things that are fun and stimulating, can give them a respite from the difficulties at home and will support their wellbeing.