Posts Tagged ‘children’

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Can children cope with divorce and separation?

How you tell the children about your divorce will make a difference

There is a constant stream of research and articles on whether children cope well with divorce or separation and, if so, how?  For parents who are thinking about divorce or going through a separation this can create a bewildering storm of advice.  Within minutes you might read one report that comments on how resilient and adpative children are only to read, the very next minute, another article which argues the complete opposite.

The reality is both more complex and more simple.

Constance Ahrons sums it up in four words;

“Not all children thrive.”  (more…)

Remembering the children’s voice at Christmas

Christmas is very difficult for those going through divorce and separation.

We inevitably compare this year to last year and to the Christmas experiences that we had ourselves as we were growing up.

For those facing a changed Christmas the comparisons can be very uncomfortable.

In all of this we can feel great pain and a sense of loss.  That is to be expected as we work through the grieving processes, grieving what we had and what we sense has been lost.  Within that pain we might be driven to act in certain ways that increase conflict and reduce trust and the possibility of future co-operation.

The voice of the children can be a valuable guard against what one author, Ken Cloke, calls the seduction of conflict.

We want to share this trailer for a film that will be released in the New Year called Split; Children’s Journeys Through Divorce.

 

Link through to watch the SPLIT film on children's voices within divorce and separation

Click on the picture above to watch the trailer for Split, a film exploring how children respond to and experience their parents’ divorce and separation

 

Here is an excerpt from what one of the children say;

“It’s like a rollercoaster and when you are on the low part of the rollercoaster, and you’re all frustrated, like, I never wanted them to be my parents, but when you’re on the top it feels so happy, it feels fine the way it is right now. As time goes, you might feel a little bit sadder, but soon you’re going to get back to the top and be happy.”

You can go to the main website for the film here to get more information and sign up for the mailing list.

If you or somebody you know is having to deal with divorce and separation and would like somebody to talk to then please contact Family Law in Partnership, children and family solicitors in Covent Garden, London.  Our number is 020 7420 5000. We are proud to offer a comprehensive divorce support package, including specific support for children for all of our clients. We will also be running the Parenting after Parting workshop on 29th January and 5th February 2013.  

Please call for details on 0207420 5000.

 

Summer time blues

Summer is looming on the horizon.

Applications for summer holiday contact can pile up on lawyer’s desks and in the lists of County Courts up and down the land.  Mediators are beginning to see their first lot of seasonal cases based on how much time children should spend during the long summer holidays with each parent and where that time should be spent.

It is because the summer holidays are so long that this issue raises its head.

It is seasonal, like arguments over where the children should spend Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve.   Summer is the longest school holiday of the year and parents who feel they have been ‘short-changed’ in the child contact department feel that now is their opportunity to spend real, quality, uninterrupted time with their child.  Now, due to the length of the holiday, they can even manage a two week break to take them away.

Wonderful news!  Or is it?

Not to the parent who is seething with resentment that a holiday with the ex might mean forfeiting their own plans for a holiday with their child.

Despite the holidays being 6 weeks long, what often happens is that both parents decide that they want to take their child on holiday over the same period of time.  Who should take precedence then?

The arguments stack up.

  • tickets have already been bought
  • the grandparents are only available to be on holiday with the child during that particular time
  • the step brothers and sisters are only available (on contact from their own resident parents) during that two weeks and how nice would it be if our child could be on holiday at the same time as them.

The counter-arguments snap back

  • the child’s godmother has invited him and you away and that is the only time that she has that particular flat that you can all stay in
  • a whole bunch of friends have rented a villa and they are all going with their children, and now you say I can’t go with ours?
  • It’s hard to find, or afford, a suitable holiday venue as a single parent and so invitations from friends or family are the only way we can have a holiday this year, even if the dates don’t suit everyone.
  • You’re not going to deny the children this opportunity are you?

It is the judgement of Solomon to choose between these positions in the absence of agreement.

Where one parent succeeds, the other fails.  One is bound to be unhappy.

Judgments can be based on what happened last summer, whose plans are the most immoveable and what would be best for the child.

What are the other unspoken factors that come into play when ex couples polarise themselves in this way?

Is there a degree of finding it hard to anticipate being on your own for two weeks without your children when you are the main carer?

Is there a sense of being marginalised in the term time arrangements and that the summer break provides an opportunity to redress the balance and equalise the scales in your favour?

Both these things could be true and both bring problems because it is the children who are caught in the middle.

The summer can remind us of times when we were together, making our holiday plans as a family.

Once we have separated, the summer can feel more like an argument waiting to happen.  It heightens our feelings of loss and unfamiliarity.

Summer time and the living is easy? Far from it.

 

This week’s Family Law in Partnership blog was guest written by Charlotte Friedman, psychotherapist specialising in divorce and separation and founder of the Divorce Support Group.  Charlotte works with divorce lawyers in London and other towns across the country, together with therapists and counsellors to support individuals going through divorce and separation.

 

Our Christmas List

Tips for a Harmonious Holiday Season
The first Christmas after a separation or divorce can be a difficult time for everyone concerned, particularly your children. We have put together a Christmas list with tips to help you ensure that the holiday period is as harmonious as possible.
Children – Put your children first. Consider what is best for your children over the holiday period and focus on ensuring that they have as settled and happy a time as possible.
Holiday – The holiday period is a time for putting aside your differences and making the most of the time that you have with your children. Don’t let petty disputes ruin it for you or others.
Relatives – Don’t forget that children may want to see relatives who are special to them over the holiday period too. Factor the needs of relatives, particularly those of grandparents, into your holiday arrangements if you can.
Imaginative – Don’t be afraid of establishing new traditions which you can enjoy with your children in the years to come. But don’t forget that children (even older ones) are creatures of habit and try to observe existing Christmas traditions as best you can.
Spend time not money – It can be difficult for children to adapt to new arrangements and Christmas can be a particularly emotional time for them. Your time, attention and support will mean far more than expensive presents.
Talking – Communication is the key to success. Even though it may be hard, try to keep channels of communication open with your ex partner to ensure that everything works as smoothly as possible.
Manage expectations – The first Christmas after a separation or divorce can be a confusing and difficult time for everyone. Try your best to manage expectations so that everyone, particularly your children, knows what to expect.
Agree arrangements – Agree arrangements as far ahead as possible and try to be flexible for the sake of your children. Once you have agreed arrangements, try to stick to them.
Sharing – Even though you might want to spend as much time as possible with your children over the holiday period remember that your ex partner is likely to want to do the same. Try to view things from the point of view of the children, rather than thinking about what you want. Share the time that you have with your children as amicably as possible and encourage your children to enjoy their time with their other parent.
Wishing you and your families a very Happy Christmas from everyone at Family Law in Partnership LLP.

Parenting information programmes should be a government priority says Deirdre Sanders of the Sun

Deirdre Sanders, the country’s most famous Agony Aunt gave the annual Relate lecture today when she reflected on her thirty years of work and her perspectives on British families from answering over six million readers’ letters during this time.  She meets Minister for Families, Tim Lawson next week and asked to identify the one thing in which she thinks Government should be investing, she said her greatest concern was about the process that couples go through when splitting up.  Speaking specifically she referred to the parenting information programmes – saying that they were a good idea and that they worked. 

In 2010, Family Law In Partnership started to provide a parenting after parting programme developed by family lawyers group Resolution under the guidance of American pioneer, Christina McGhee.

“We aim in 4 hours over 2 evenings to help parents grasp the essentials that will enable them to see their children through this transition in a good way,” said Ruth Smallacombe, a trained counsellor and mediator and one of the deliverers of the sessions.  “We aim to provide a relaxed environment for parents to come together and build understanding and skills.  Our experience has been that will lead directly to their managing better the other aspects of separation including the resolution of the finances and the divorce and by focusing on the children, so often these issues can be addressed more constructively and at lower cost.”

Information about the workshops can be accessed by following the links at www.resolution.org.uk/parentingafterparting

Christina McGhee’s guide for parents “Parenting Apart” is published by Vermillion at £12.99

Who’s the Daddy?

When relationships breakdown it is often the case that one or other parent, usually the father, will question the paternity of one or more of the children of the relationship and request that a paternity test be carried out. There are many agencies set up to provide these tests which are conducted by medical practitioners and which are then capable of being used in evidence in court.

 Recently a number of “peace of mind” products have come onto the market offering parents the opportunity to establish their child’s parentage.  This might perhaps be regarded as another case of scientific advances rushing ahead of our capacities to manage this opportunity in a good and effective way for the benefit of our children.  One person’s “peace of mind” may be another person’s nightmare – and that other person could well be the child.

 It is perhaps all too easy to snatch at the question and the apparent certainty that the test will provide without thinking through the longer term consequences.  As one commentator said:  “It is impossible to un-know what you discover from these sorts of tests.”

 Ideally the mother and the putative father will find a way of sitting down to establish:-

a)    Whether it is acceptable even to be asking the question; and

b)    What would be the impacts of knowing either

-           whether paternity is confirmed  in circumstances where it had been questioned, or

-           where the putative father is proved not to be biologically related to the child at all.

It is very important that parents think through whether the absence of biological connection would change things for the child/the father and how this could be handled/managed in a proper way for the benefit of all concerned especially the child.

Of course usually, these issues are more tense and often raise their head in a covert way because the father has some doubt or some information which suggests that there was a sexual relationship going on outside what the father may have regarded as a stable relationship.  All too often what men in these situations want to do is to secure the paternity test outcome without having to involve the mother at all. The new tests mean that this can be done with a reasonably high degree of accuracy and behind the backs of the mother and probably the child too – the question then arises is that a sensible step to take? 

It will not affect the legal status of either parent in England and Wales:

  • A mother almost always has parental responsibility for a child (it can be taken from her by the child being adopted or by an Order made only in very rare circumstances). 
  • Where a person has parental responsibility they have all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which a parent can have in relation to a child and their property.  A mother automatically has parental responsibility by virtue of giving birth to a child. The father will have parental responsibility if named on the birth certificate of a child born after 1st December 2002.
  • Parental responsibility is regarded as having particular importance in relation to the major decisions affecting a child’s upbringing.  A person with parental responsibility is expected to be consulted on all such major decisions. 

There can be little more significant than clarifying the identity of a child’s father.  However there is almost no circumstance in which this information needs to be gathered so quickly that there could not reasonably be consultation and discussion about this step before it is taken.  As such there is little that could excuse the decision being taken unilaterally by the father.  This is particularly the case if the father does not himself have parental responsibility as he then has no legal justification for making this decision for the child at all.

Where a child is old enough to have mature views about the issue, it is clearly relevant that those views enter into the fray.  Again, however, it is difficult to see the circumstance in which such views should be sought in advance of:

a)    Involving both parents; and

b)    Those parents obtaining careful advice and guidance as to the way in which this whole tricky area should be managed for the benefit of the child.

The father who, in breach of these expectations, decides to “go it alone” may have paternity confirmed but equally the test may show that he is not the father.  What then does he do with this information? 

In the past disputes about parentage between separated parents were often resolved where an application was made for child support through the Child Support Agency.  Please note however that the Agency is entitled to assume parentage in a number of circumstances including:

a)    Where the alleged parent was married to the child’s mother at some point between conception and the birth of the child;

b)    The alleged parent has been registered as the father of the child under the relevant register.

This is a difficult and emotive area. If you think that this affects you and that you need advice about it then please contact us at info@flip.co.uk

The Family Home and Bankruptcy

The past few years have seen a rise in personal bankruptcy in the UK as the levels of consumer debt increase and individuals struggle to pay their bills. With the looming threat of unpayable debt it is foreseeable that homes may be at risk.

 It is an unfortunate reality that single parents together with separated and divorced people in the UK are statistically the most likely to fall into serious debt. This blog considers the position where one party to a divorce is declared bankrupt and the impact this has on the right of the other spouse in the family home.

 When someone becomes bankrupt their property automatically vests in (i.e. passes into the control of) the trustee in bankruptcy. This includes any interest in the family home. However, the bankrupt can retain sufficient assets to meet the basic needs of himself and his family.

 When it comes to the family home, the law has to balance two conflicting interests: those of the trustee and creditors and those of the bankrupt as well as his family.

 The most frequently occurring situations are:

 1.Where the bankrupt remains in the family home and

2.  Where the bankrupt is separated but his family remain in the home.

Where the home is owned and occupied exclusively by the bankrupt, there may be an immediate sale for the benefit of the creditors. However, if there are others living in the home, for example a spouse and/or dependent children, then the Trustees have to make an application to the court for an order to sell the property. Generally speaking if someone has acquired occupation rights, they are entitled not to be evicted without a court order. Where the Trustee in Bankruptcy applies to the court for an order for sale or possession of the property, the court must have regard to the following:

Where the spouse/civil partner is living in the home

-          the interests of creditors

-          the conduct of the spouse  so far as it contributed to the bankruptcy

-          the needs and financial means of the spouse

-          the needs of any children

-          all circumstances surrounding the case

-          but not the needs of the bankrupt themselves (unless there are exceptional circumstances)

It is important to note that the non-bankrupt spouse’s rights of occupation which are registered as a charge against the property subsist notwithstanding the bankruptcy.

Where a minor child is living in the home

-          the interests of creditors

-          the financial resources of the bankrupt

-          the needs of the children

-          all circumstances surrounding the case

-          but not the needs of the bankrupt (unless there are exceptional circumstances)

Where the bankrupt and their spouse are getting divorced then the trustee in bankruptcy may be joined to financial proceedings where a final order has not yet been made. In those circumstances the court will require that any application in relation to the family home issued by the trustee be heard at the same time as the application for financial relief. The trustee may therefore become quite involved in the financial proceedings and may ask for any financial disclosure provided by the bankrupt. This may reveal assets and income previously undisclosed to the trustee which might then form part of the pool of the bankrupt’s property available to creditors.  

If final order has been made in relation to the property prior to the commencement of bankruptcy proceedings, the order cannot be challenged by a trustee in bankruptcy.

It may be the case that both parties are not married but are cohabiting. A cohabitant living with the bankrupt, other than a child, who has no legal or beneficial interest in the property, generally has no home rights unless an occupation order is in force which has the effect of delaying eviction for a certain period of time. If there is no occupation order, then it is likely that the trustee will be able to evict the cohabitant without a court order. Even if the cohabitant can say they are a tenant or licensee of the bankrupt, this will not necessarily offer them protection against eviction.

At the end of the bankruptcy, many debts cease to exist with some exceptions such as arrears of spousal maintenance and child support for which the bankrupt remains liable.

Top Tips

  1. Check whether the property is held in joint names or in one party’s sole name. If the party is held in the bankrupt’s sole name, then the spouse may be able to establish a beneficial interest in the property that affords them rights as an occupier. For example, have you contributed towards a mortgage? 
  2.  If you are the non-bankrupt spouse, register your beneficial interest in the family home as soon as possible with the Land Registry.

 This is a complex area and specialist advice should be sought if you believe you may be affected, directly or indirectly, by bankruptcy.

 For more information contact info@flip.co.uk

PARENTING AFTER PARTING

One of the many challenges facing couples when they separate is how to co-parent their children.  All too frequently the issues that have brought about the end of the marriage manifest themselves again in squabbles over the children. How often do we hear parents accusing each other of using the children as pawns?

Given that the break up of a relationship is one of the most stressful experiences people can have it is perhaps not surprising that people do not function to their highest capacity during the experience. And yet we expect those same people to function at their highest capacity when it comes to parenting. Perhaps it is unrealistic to expect them to do so without help.

Just as expectant mothers attend National Childbirth Trust (or similar) courses helping them prepare for giving birth, so there are courses being run for separating parents helping them prepare for their lives as separated parents, putting their children at the focal point of their discussions. The courses are practical and give participants the chance to discuss issues and concerns with, and learn from, other people in the same predicament.

The courses are run under the umbrella of Resolution, the national association of family law professionals. Details of the courses can be found at http://www.resolution.org.uk/editorial.asp?page_id=185  along with other useful resources for separating parents and their children.

These “Parenting after Parting” courses are held regularly at the offices of Family Law in Partnership LLP in Covent Garden and presented by our in house family consultants Dominic Raeside and Ruth Smallacombe. The next course is being run over two nights on 30th  June and 7th July 2011. For an application form please contact info@flip.co.uk or ring 020 7420 5000.

Children in mediation

Children’s experience of separation and divorce is often different to the experience of their parents and yet their views are no less important and can be very significant in helping their parents to make good decisions for them in the future.

Whilst it is important for children to experience the security of their parents continuing to look after them and make the decisions, it is sometimes difficult (in the context of conflict and upset between the adults) for them to talk to either one of them without feeling disloyal to the other parent.

Children on the whole tend not to see their parents as good parent/bad parent better or worse parent, rather just as “my parents” whom they love equally though possibly for different reasons.  They would also prefer not to be put in the middle of any parental conflict nor to have to choose between mum or dad, nor hear bad things said by one about the other.

For these and many other reasons, (heavily backed up by research over decades), including not wanting to burden or upset their parents, children and young people often say that they can’t really talk to either parent properly about what worries them or what’s important to them about the separation or divorce and family changes, which crucially will affect them.

As family mediators/collaborative professionals we work with separated and divorcing parents to help them make consensual decisions about their children (and also about property and finances).  But did you also know that mediators can also see children, when everyone, including the children themselves, think that it’s a good idea.   The parents still make the decisions for the future but often these can be enriched with useful ideas and views from their children.  Children are seen separately and usually only for one informal meeting* and anything they want to be fed back to their parents agreed with them.  Sometimes they don’t want or need anything to be said, they just value the opportunity to “have their say” to someone who is helping their parents make decisions.  Sometimes it’s quite hard for a parent to hear that their child, for example, wants to be close to the other parent too, but it can be an important reminder for that parent to refocus on their child’s needs rather than their own feelings at that particular time. Sometimes it can be quite surprising “we can cope with you each doing things differently/we don’t mind carrying our stuff from one house to another” and yet very useful in informing the parents’ decision making.

Not all children are seen in every mediation or collaborative process but it may be worth bearing in mind if your children are of an age to talk and if you think that they (and you) would appreciate the opportunity to contribute to discussions about family changes.   In any event it’s helpful for children to know that you are trying together, still as their parents, to sort things out for them.

If you are not in mediation or collaborative process or not able to work together at the moment and think that your children might want a place to talk or to get some support, we also offer counselling for children and young people.  You can also ask the school GP about counselling and support services and there are various website resources for young people.

* All professionals who work directly with children should be specifically trained and hold police clearance.  Our approach, as family mediators, child consultants and counsellors who see children, is supportive and informal and would not in any way be linked to Court processes.

For more information about the services Family Law in Partnership LLP offer visit our website at www.flip.co.uk or contact us at inf@flip.co.uk or call us on 020 7420 5000 and ask to speak to our family consultants Ruth Smallacombe and Dominic Raeside.

Relocation: a mediator’s perspective

One parent wishing to move with their children following separation/divorce to another country is inherently a difficult issue for any family with a number of high stakes at play:

  • How will the children manage in a new school, perhaps with a different language?
  • How will the children manage with the loss of their previous pattern of care including with their extended family relationships and their friendships? 
  • What will be the implications for the children if their physical contact with their non residential resident parent is limited to holidays – perhaps only two or three times a year, maybe less?
  • How will the parent who wishes to move to another country react if they are held “prisoner” in a country where they have no historical or familial links other than those through marriage?

 Recently, I have mediated three cases all involving mothers wishing to return to their country of origin following divorce and to take their children with them.  The ages of the children across the families ranged from 2 to 15.  In relation to the children maintaining their relationship with their fathers the use of internet based communication can offer an open and regular form of indirect communication but it’s not the same as spending time with your children or their being able to have an intimate tactile relationship with you.  Realistically how frequently can holiday contact be arranged if your children are living in Australia?  With European destinations however, and the availability of cheap flights, this can be more frequent. 

Within the legal arena in England and Wales much is made of whether there should be an assumption that the parent wishing to leave the country with the children should be allowed to do so, or whether there should be an assumption given that stability and consistency is the bedrock of children’s welfare that they should remain in this country. There is a groundswell of opinion against the case of Payne v Payne which seemed to favour the mothers’ applications. The so called Washington Declaration  (http://conflictoflaws.net/2010/washington-declaration-on-intl-family-relocation) 

 appears attractive based as it is on looking at what is in the best interests of the children without any presumptions for or against relocation to another country. 

Those parents who have had to use the law to adjudicate on whether their children should remain in the UK or relocate with one parent to another country generally find it emotionally traumatising, expensive and protracted but can mediation offer an alternative?  Whilst reported outcomes in family mediation often show between a 60%and 75% success rate this is not so easily achieved where the stakes are so high and there are no simple compromises. 

 Mediation does however offer parents the opportunity to look at both options in detail: the option of remaining in the country and the option of moving their children to another country so that they can more fully understand the implications more comprehensively for their children. 

 As a mediator I often ask the question “what would you do if you were still married and one of you had to work in a different country from where the other parent and the children were living?”  This is a fairly common challenge for many international families these days and if parents can genuinely coalesce around the question of what is best for their children, sometimes, consensual outcome can be reached. 

 Many years ago I mediated a case where the parents agreed that their five year old son would spend one term in Australia and one term in England alternating with the nanny travelling with their son between England and Australia.  Whilst I would not recommend this as a plan when I reviewed it with them five years later amazingly it had gone extremely well and their son had blossomed under this arrangement.  No Court would have imposed such an outcome but the parents reported it had worked very well for them and their son.  More prosaically a practical exploration of the best possible contact arrangements for the non resident parent including who will pay for the cost of travel and whether the child is old enough to travel as an unaccompanied minor can sometimes lead to one parent graciously allowing the other to relocate with their children to another country whilst maintaining a more amicable and collaborative way of doing business, as separated parents. 

Dominic Raeside heads the Mediation Service at Family Law in Partnership LLP, Covent Garden, UK.

For more information about mediation at Family Law in Partnership LLP please contact info@flip.co.uk.

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