It is an old belief that what constitutes a good financial settlement on divorce is getting more of the assets or income than the other spouse.
That belief is ripe for challenge and is being challenged particularly with the growth of collaborative divorces. It is obvious when you think about it. A divorce affects us in so many different ways and only one of those ways is monetary.
Separation has emotional, spiritual, familial, physical and practical, legal, parental and social aspects as well as financial and yet it is primarily in the financial arena that most of the time and effort is put to achieve a “good outcome”.
All these different aspects are interconnected. A bad or good experience in one area will often impact on another. An obvious example of this is a legal dispute over children. This has a direct affect on the physical and mental health of both parents, it upsets their wider families and, worst of all, it impacts on the ability of parents to co-parent and thus impacts adversely on the children. The same is true in respect of disputes about the family finances.
The adversarial systems in countries across the western world do nothing to alleviate the problem but feed into, and magnify, the problem – molehills turn into mountains, storms in teacups turn into raging seas to the detriment of the family as a whole.
One of the reasons why the court systems fail is because they are designed only to take into account the legal, financial and, to some small extent, parental aspects of a divorce and separation. The emotional, physical, familial, social and spiritual aspects are ignored almost entirely.
Just because these aspects are ignored by the court does not mean they have to be ignored by the separating couple and their lawyers. In fact they should not be ignored as attention to them is a vital part of the recovery process. They are also vital to the negotiation process and including them in the process bring about a change in perception of what constitutes a “good outcome”. Suddenly, an outcome where both parties can look each other in the eye and say “I’m OK, You’re OK and our children are OK” is a real possibility. The benefits of generosity are self evident – for example, a more generous maintenance settlement will have a direct and lasting impact on familial and social relationships, amongst other things. An understanding of the need for children to spend time being cared for (including all the boring bits) by each parent will have a direct and lasting impact on children’s ability to thrive.
Suddenly having a greater share of the monetary divorce is less important.
The processes which support and encourage the re-definition of a “good outcome” best are mediation and collaborative divorce. In these processes the couple’s voices are the loudest voices round the table and it is their interests and needs in all the different aspects of separation that are at the forefront of the discussions.
For more information about mediation and collaborative divorce contact info@flip.co.uk
To find mediators and collaboratively trained lawyers in your area visit www.resolution.org.uk/find_a_member/
“A Client’s Guide to Collaborative Divorce – putting your family first” can be purchased online at www.flip.co.uk/about/downloads.asp
Tags: collaborative divorce, divorce, mediation, separation