Archive for February, 2010

Getting divorced or separating? How do you do that?

There are many ways of resolving the issues that arise concerning your financial and family arrangements following divorce and separation.  Here are some examples:

You can sit down with your partner and work things out for yourselves.

  • You can enlist the help of a trusted friend or family member to help you resolve issues.
  • You and your partner can get help from a mediator who is a neutral professional skilled in helping people reach a negotiated agreement. You can get the names of mediators in your area through these websites – www.resolution.org.uk; www.thefma.co.uk ; or www.nfm.org.uk
  • You and your partner can instruct solicitors to help you to reach a negotiated agreement with your partner. There are many ways to reach a negotiated agreement using solicitors including the collaborative option. For more information about this option see www.resolution.org.uk/alternatives_to_court.
  • You and your partner can instruct solicitors to ask a court to decide how to share your capital and income.

To help you decide which options is the best for you, you should ask yourself a number of questions such as:

 What is most important for you and your family?

  • What really matters to you?
  • What do you want to avoid?
  • What is the best outcome you could hope for you and the whole family?
  • What memories do you want to have of this process when you look back at it in 18 months time and in 10 years time?
  • How do you want your children (if any) to remember this time of their parents’ separation?
  • What do you think needs to happen in this process to help your children flourish?

 Then you might consider discussing your answers with someone you trust to help you decide what the next step should be. If you don’t know who to turn to then think about whether your GP could help, or maybe a Relate counsellor (www.relate.org.uk/find-your-nearest-service/) or a family law specialist solicitor.

 For more information contact info@flip.co.uk

Thinking of doing your divorce collaboratively? There’s a book for that.

“It is one of the most well written, comprehensive and effective communication tools about Collaborative Practice I have ever seen.” Talia Katz, Executive Director, International Academy of Collaborative Professionals

The recently published (Feb 2010) “A Client’s Guide to Collaborative divorce – putting your family first” is an invaluable resource for people wanting to separate or divorce collaboratively. It contains real life case studies and quotations from real people who have divorced collaboratively:

 It is probably best summed up as “communication not confrontation”.

 We made the right decision to deal with this collaboratively. I feel that, although separated, our family is still intact.

 This is so much better than anything our friends who have divorced in the traditional way have experienced.

 Collaborative divorce is the process by which you and your partner and both of your lawyers commit to resolving matters between you without involving the court to make decisions on your behalf.  It is the “no-court commitment” which offers the prospect of delivering a solution for the long-term benefit of you and your family. All the work is done face to face round the table. There is little correspondence and little room for misunderstandings both of which can make the more traditional court based process so hard for families.

 The Guide sets out in clear and easily readable language:

  • How the collaborative approach works in practice
  • The things you should ask yourself before choosing the collaborative option
  • The things you should ask your lawyer to be sure they are capable of working collaboratively with your partner’s lawyer
  • How to prepare for the collaborative meetings
  • How your lawyer should prepare for the collaborative meetings
  • How to involve other collaborative professionals such as accountants and child specialists.
  • How to have collaborative conversations.

 The Guide is packed with useful resources including:

  • FAQs
  • A sample participation agreement
  • Information about the emotional impact of separation and divorce on you and your family
  • A collaborative timeline.

 

For more information about the collaborative divorce process visit

http://www.resolution.org.uk/editorial.asp?page_id=53

 To buy the Guide visit

http://www.flip.co.uk/about/downloads.asp

 To find out more contact gb@flip.co.uk

There is no such thing as common law marriage! What can be done?

David Allison of FLiP says:

Provisional figures published by the Office for National statistics on 11 February show that marriage rates are at an all time low – the lowest since records began in 1862.  The actual number of marriages in 2008 remained similar to 2007.  However, with the rise in unmarried adults increasing, the proportion of adults marrying is lower. 

 At the same time rates of cohabitation are increasing.  The 2001 census recorded just over 2 million cohabiting couples in England & Wales (a 67% increase from 1991).  Between 1996 and 2006, the number of cohabiting couples in the UK increased by over 60% to 2.3 million.  Cohabitation is the fastest growing family type in the UK (with the proportion of cohabiting couple families increasing from 9% to 14% between 1996 and 2006.  The number of cohabiting couples in England & Wales is projected to almost double to 3.8 million by 2031 (which will be over one in four couples on this projections). 

 This trend is not peculiar to England & Wales and is mirrored across the western world. 

 What is worrying about these statistics is the widely held belief that cohabitants do have marriage type rights as ‘common law spouses’.  The British Social Attitudes survey published in 2008 showed that this was a belief held by over half of the population.  In fact the law largely ignores cohabitants and where a cohabiting relationship breaks down neither party has the right to apply to the court for maintenance or any other financial provision. 

 Of course many people oppose giving cohabitants rights on the basis that it will undermine marriage.  However, all of the research evidence shows that there is no link between rights for cohabitants and marriage rates.

 I have been involved for a number of years in Resolution’s campaign for a reform in the law to help vulnerable cohabitants.  In 2008 I worked with veteran human rights campaigner Lord Lester of Herne Hill QC on a private members bill that would have given cohabitants in long-term relationships and those with children the right to apply for financial relief on separation.  Although the types of relief that could have been made would have been the same as upon divorce or dissolution of a civil partnership it was to be applied on a very different basis.  There was to be a presumption that the couple would be self-supporting (with maintenance limited to 3 years) and any claim was to be limited to reasonable needs.  Sadly that bill was ‘talked out’ at third reading and failed for lack of government support.

 The ONS figures highlight the problem.  The time is now right for change.  With the general election looming the political parties are forming their family policies.  On behalf of Resolution I have met with the family justice spokespeople in all of the main political parties to press the need for reform.  Resolution has also published its own law reform agenda and we will continue to fight for reform.  If you would like more information please do contact me at dna@flip.co.uk.

4 Jurisdictions – 1 view: Children matter

 

Bradley Williams attended the 4 Jurisdictions Conference in Ireland and describes the experience:

I recently attended the 15th annual Four Jurisdictions Family Law Conference in the beautiful surroundings of the Powerscourt estate in County Wicklow in Ireland. The Conference brings together practitioners from England and Wales, Northern Ireland Scotland and the Republic of Ireland. The conference was opened by the President of Ireland, Mary McAleese.

A former professor of criminal law at Trinity College Dublin, the President gave a very inspiring talk on conflict resolution based on her experiences of the sectarian divide in Northern Ireland. As she was attending our conference on the day that talks were continuing in relation to the Northern Ireland Assembly her words had particular resonance. Whilst not perhaps on the same scale we were told that the family practitioner’s role in minimising conflict and searching for workable solutions for families was very important. All too often the press picks up on the high profile divorce cases which are usually the most bitterly fought and contested. As a result the public’s perception of what a divorce entails is often very different from the approach adopted by many family practitioners across the jurisdictions. It is encouraging that there appears to be great support for Collaborative law and Mediation in particular.

Dr Ursula Kelly of the Faculty of Law at University College Cork gave a very interesting talk on Human Rights and Family Law with particular reference to the development of case law in the European Court of Human Rights. It is clear that the rights of the child are paramount. The EU Charter of Fundamental Rights came into force in the UK and Ireland on 1 December 2009 as part of the Lisbon Treaty. Although at present it is too early to say what effect the treaty will have on national courts it is interesting that, amongst other things, the Charter provides

“Every child has the right to maintain on a regular basis a personal relationship and direct contact with both his or her parents, unless that is contrary to his or her interests” 

 As a result it is likely that Courts across the jurisdictions are going to be giving more weight to the wishes and feelings of children and their right to be heard in proceedings concerning them, which has to be a good thing provided there are safeguards to ensure they do not come under pressure from either parent.

The welcome which we received from our hosts in Ireland was incredibly touching. Speaking informally with fellow delegates, in spite of differences in the law of our respective jurisdictions, I was struck by how similar our practices and approach to cases are. I hope the relationships which were kindled will yield to further productive co-operation on cases with a cross-border element. 

For more information contact Bradley at bw@flip.co.uk

How to help separating parents help their children

Last Monday we said farewell to a group of parents who have in common the fact that they are all separated and/or divorced and have children.  Most have come by themselves although two of the group had come with their former partners.  The size of the group is usually around 15 in number and we have been lucky in attracting a roughly 50/50 male/female split.

 So what are these Parenting After Parting groups about?  The process of separation and divorce is a difficult experience for all and many parents are concerned about the impact of their separation upon their children.  Seminars (two, 2 hour evening meetings at our offices in Covent Garden) are run by Ruth Smallacombe and Dominic Raeside, both highly experienced mediators and child consultants who have specialised in the area of working with parents and children in the context of separation/divorce for over 20 years.  Parents attending have the opportunity to ask questions specific to their particular circumstances, although there is no requirement for group participation and those attending can quietly take the information in without actively participating.  The presenters hope, however, that each parent attending will find something that they can take away from the workshops which will have a positive impact upon their children. 

 The content covers the emotional and statistical information around the process of separation and divorce and specifically aims to offer new ideas, a sense of hope, provide a sense of validation for parents, all with the intention of helping children to thrive in what is often a difficult transition for them.  Having looked at the emotional impact, we also look at the legal alternatives, including mediation, collaborative law and litigation and the group is shown two video clips from Christina McGee’s programme for Channel 4 entitled “How to divorce without screwing up the kids”. 

 The second evening covers topics like tips for managing relationships with family and friends, how to talk to children about divorce, listening to children and more specific information relating to children at different ages and stages in their psychological development.  Finally, the second evening finished with information about new relationships, remarriage and stepfamilies.

 The feedback from Parenting After Parting courses has been very positive.  Parents attending have enjoyed meeting other parents in “the same boat” and many have commented that it is interesting to hear the opposite gender’s view (father or mother) when it is not coming from the mouth of their ex!  Many parents attending have said that they would like more and whilst there is not enough time to cover all the subjects in detail, we hope that all those attending take away something that will positively impact on their children.

 Family Law in Partnership run the workshops (free for FLiP clients) every 2-3 months.  However, Parenting After Parting courses are also held at the Coram Centre in London and at other venues across England (for further details see www.resolution.org.uk).

Contact info@flip.co.uk for further information about the FLiP courses.

How to look after yourself whilst going through a divorce or separation

Getting divorced or separating from a partner is a difficult and often painful business even if you are the one who has initiated the split. There are a lot of mixed emotions ranging from anger to relief and many in between.  Sometimes it is all very confusing and you simply cannot think clearly. This is at a time when you are being expected to make important decisions and, where necessary, provide adult support for your children.

 Here are some ideas of things that you can do to help you clear your head and provide you with the support you need:

  • Keep in touch with your close friends and, where possible, discuss some of the decisions you have to make with them.
  • Arrange to see your GP and find out what support services they offer.
  • Find out about counselling or other therapeutic services offered locally or through your lawyers. Sometimes having someone to talk to who does not know you or your family can be very liberating.
  • Check out on the internet or in your local library some of the resources that are available to help people in your position – for example Resolution (www.resolution.org.uk) , One Plus One (www.oneplusone.org.uk), Gingerbread (www.gingerbread.org.uk), Parent Line (www.parentlineplus.org.uk) and Relate (www.relate.org.uk) . There are many others.
  • Give yourself permission to be upset and angry – these are very normal reactions.
  • But at the same time give yourself permission to start enjoying life again. Build some “me” time into your week.
  • Try not to do too much at once when it comes to sorting out the practicalities of the relationship breakdown. Take the trouble to look after yourself physically. Try and eat and sleep properly as you will need to do these things to keep your energy levels up.

 

Contact info@flip.co.uk